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Les Miserable Ballers
2013-09-04

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my quitting smoking. To be honest I haven't been this miserable in years. Luckily the price of cigarettes has skyrocketed since I quit and I'm a cheap bastard.

Anyway, I thought I'd assign my fantasy football team roles in Les Miserables to cheer up myself. Let's see how this goes.

Starting at quarterback we have Aaron Rogers as Enjolras. Arrogant self-righteous pretty boy. Doubtless he will go down this season in a valiant act of futility (a.k.a. a football injury).

DeMarco Murray at RB1 is our Fantine. Sings a great tune when he's on the field but can never stay healthy. He'll be shaving his head and selling his ass by week 8.

Reggie Bush at RB2 I have playing Cosette. Good looking guy/girl. Sense of entitlement. Zero personality.

All-time great wideout Larry Fitzgerald plays the hero of our tale in Jean Valjean. An old man in the league who years earlier at a vulnerable time in his life was converted to a fraudulent ethos (The University of Pheonix) and will forever appear in their commercials.

Dez Bryant gets to pop off as the scrappy Gavroche. He runs circles around the opposition and doesn't give a fuck. He should have a big year but needs to watch out he doesn't take too many shots in the open field.

Our Javert will be played by NaVarro Bowman, the fearsome 49er linebacker. You don't want this guy on your trail - he was second in the league in tackles last year!

Placekicker Greg Zeurlein plays the Bishop. As a kicker he feels blessed to be playing the game he kind of likes and making millions of dollars. Which reminds me I bought 3 powerball tickets this morning on my way to work.

At Tight End we drafted Jermichael Finley, our Marius. An underachieving talent catching passes from the best quarterback in the league. Maybe this will be his year. Or maybe he'll fall madly in love with Reggie Bush and fumble in the red zone against the Lions.

Eponine, the most miserable character in this saga of miserable characters, will be played by the entire Chicago Bears Defense. No matter what they do this world will always punish them. Stay away from Jermichael Finley, Bears defense. He's on my fantasy team too.

Finally on our bench we have the innkeeper Monsieur Thenardier and his wicked wife Madame Thenardier as played by Michael Vick and LeVeon Bell. Career criminal Vick has been robbing fantasy owners the past two years. LeVeon Bell likewise was supposed to be hot shit but is out for Week 1 who knows if he'll even be the #1 running back in Pittsburgh. At least he didn't spend time in prison for killing dogs.

So that's our cast. I guess all that's left is to crank "Master of the House" and imagine NFLers singing and dancing in drag. Maybe then my sports fan friends would learn to love musicals and my theater friends would start watching football.

I think I'm onto something here.

Cheers
-Mike

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